當男女社會地位失衡的時候

    影集「慾望城市」裡面的女主角米蘭達，因為在「男女聯誼會」裡面提到自己是成功的律師，而三度搞砸聯誼沒繼續受到男方邀約。第四次，她只自稱是空姐，並且成功獲得一位醫生的邀約。不過……不只是米蘭達隱瞞了她成功的事業，其實她的男友也騙了她─他其實只是在鞋店工作。對事業有成的女性而言，他們成功的事業真的「殺死了」愛情中的浪漫嗎？

    21世紀人們對性的吸引力，似乎依舊是20世紀的典型之延續。但隨著越來越多的婦女在教育程度和勞動市場中追上，甚至超越男性人口，她們已經開始把自己的傳統性別角色，藉由一些深層的人際關係因素來重新定位。

    在事業有成的30多歲女性裡，有許多人找不到適合的「另一半」。也有一些女性結束一段交往關係後，選擇未婚生子，並且把事業放在第二位。還有第三種，一些比男性更會賺錢的女性，從而引發了各種新的想法，也改變了傳統的性別角色。

Anne-Laure Kiechel是位住在巴黎的銀行投資專家，她的收入是男友的五倍多，她說她總是會慷慨付出兩人之間的一些大型消費，例如度假。而她的男友也總會在公共場合堅持拿出信用卡付錢，以避免被人說成是「小白臉」。她說：「他那樣作總是引我發笑，不過如果那樣讓他覺得開心，那就很好。」

    Timothy Eustis是位曾經在紐約教書的家庭「煮夫」，他現在和妻子Sarah一起搬到法國，因為Sarah受聘擔任法國內衣品牌Estam的高階主管。他說：「老婆是家裡主要收入來源，但我們兩個也很珍惜“那些小傳統”所帶來的生活樂趣。我總是出力氣撐著家裡大門，出門是我開車，我付帳單等等開銷。Sarah可能是故意讓我做這些事情，因為她覺得這樣對我們兩人相處有益，也讓我比較有面子。」

    不過，有些男人卻有著「大男人」主義作祟的問題。一位38歲的義大利女經理抱怨她的男友要求她換工作，理由是「我覺得再過不久，尤其當妳的薪水比我高時，我對妳就沒有誘惑力了！」另一位法國籍女性經理說，她那位擔任教師的丈夫總是不願意和她一同出席活動，因為她丈夫覺得走到哪兒都會被問「你到底在做什麼工作？」讓他覺得抬不起頭來。

    一位來自倫敦的研究機構女主管Sasha Havlicek說，她的一個朋友會假裝配合男友，讓對方感到更能表現男子氣概。Sasha說：「男性的自我意識比女性的還要脆弱太多了。」另一位在德國微軟任部門主管的Anke Domscheit-Berg女士說：「我的前男友們似乎是在看到我的名片頭銜後，漸漸疏遠我了。成功的事業……其實一點也不性感！！」曾在交友網站match.com工作的Gesine Haag說：「男人不要女強人，男人想要被崇拜。對男人而已，女人最好晚上還是要很能吸引男人，並且絕對不能在床上玩智慧型手機。」

    知名心理學家兼作家Bernard Prieur說：「男人在社會上與個人之中都容易感到心裡受傷。社會上，男人必須去面對長久以來的信條與價值觀來當那個“可以扛起生計的人”。另一方面，事業成功的女性容易讓另一伴自己覺得是“失敗的男人”。」但，女強人越來越多的現在，這些觀念有改變嗎？

    Kiechel女士的男友一直都很鼓勵她衝刺事業，也都會向朋友炫耀女友聰明能幹。Haag女士和Domscheit-Berg女士的丈夫則是很喜歡看服務生聽到「我老婆會付錢」之後臉部的表情。Domscheit-Berg女士說：「女孩子第一次約會時，絕對不要開名牌車出門。結論是，最好在20多歲找到人生的另一半，因為之後你可能就會變成女強人。並且找一位有自信，但不是追求金錢和名利的男人共度一生，例如學者或是藝術家，男人和你從事的工作或活動越是不同，對女孩子而言會越好。」

In a "Sex and the City" episode, Miranda goes speed-dating and wastes her eight-minute pitch three times by giving away that she is a corporate lawyer. The fourth time she says she is a stewardess and gets asked out by a doctor.

What made the episode poignant was not just that Miranda lied about her success, but that her date did, too: it turned out he worked in a shoe store.

Is female empowerment killing romance?

Sexual attraction in the 21st century, it seems, still feeds on 20th-century stereotypes. Now, as more women match or overtake men in education and the labor market, they are also turning traditional gender roles on their head, with some profound consequences for relationship dynamics.

There is a growing army of successful women in their 30s who have trouble finding a mate. There are the alpha-women who end up with alpha-men but then decide to put career second when the babies come. But there is also a third group: a small but growing number of women who out-earn their partners, giving rise to an assortment of behavioral contortions aimed at keeping the appearance of traditional gender roles intact.

Anne-Laure Kiechel is an investment banker in Paris who makes more than five times more than her boyfriend, a communications consultant. She keeps watch on their finances and pays for all big invisible expenses, like vacations.

But in public, it is he who insists on pulling out his credit card to avoid, he said, looking like a "gigolo."

"It makes me laugh," Ms. Kiechel said. "But if it pleases him, that's fine."

Timothy Eustis, once a New York City teacher, is a stay-at-home dad and occasional wine consultant, who moved to France with his wife, Sarah, when she was offered a senior management post at the French lingerie brand Etam. Neither has a problem that she is the chief earner and her salary aliments the joint account. But both cherish what he calls "those little traditions" to keep the romantic spark alive.

"I make an effort to hold the door, I almost always drive the car, and when it's time to pay the bill, I pay the bill," he said. "Sarah probably intentionally lets me do these things because she thinks it benefits the relationship."

Some men have more fundamental issues. One 38-year-old Italian manager complained that her boyfriend suggested she change jobs because he no longer felt able to "seduce her" after her salary rose above his. A French management consultant said her husband, a teacher, stopped coming to parties with her because he felt inadequate every time anyone asked him what he did. A German banker said one reason her ex-husband left her for a physiotherapist was "because she would have more time for him."

"It is amazing how even many liberal-minded men end up having sexual and emotional difficulties being with more obviously successful women," said Sasha Havlicek, the 35-year-old chief executive of a London research group. A friend of hers resorted to feigning helplessness with her partner to promote his sense of masculinity. "The male ego can be a more fragile thing than the female ego, which is used to a regular battering and has hence developed a sense of humor!"

Anke Domscheit-Berg of Microsoft Germany, who has stories of past would-be boyfriends fleeing after seeing "director" (of communications) on her business card, put it this way: "Success is not sexy."

"Men don't want successful women, men want to be admired," said Gesine Haag, 43, who used to run match.com in Germany. "It's important to them that the woman is full of energy at night and not playing with her BlackBerry in bed."

Bernard Prieur, a psychoanalyst and author of "Money in Couples," says men who earn less than their partners struggle with two insecurities: "They feel socially and personally vulnerable. Socially, they go against millennia of beliefs and stereotypes that see them as the breadwinner. And the success of their partner also often gives them a feeling of personal failure," Mr. Prieur said in the November issue of the French magazine Marie-Claire.

But are things changing as the number of female high achievers increases?

Ms. Kiechel in Paris says her boyfriend encourages her career and brags to friends how intelligent and hard-working she is. Ms. Haag and Ms. Domscheit-Berg both earn more than their husbands and report that their men actually enjoy watching the waiter's reaction when they say their wife will pick up the tab.

Ms. Domscheit-Berg, who is also active in the European Women's Management Development International Network, advised well-paid women: Leave the snazzy company car at home on the first date; find your man in your 20s, before you've become too successful. And go after men who draw their confidence from sources other than money, like academics and artists.

"The more different their activity from your own, the better," said Ms. Domscheit-Berg.